Today I entered the Worthing 20 mile road race it had a time limit of 4 hours but a little leeway is given. As you may or may not be aware I have been struggling with my training recently, and I failed to complete the race only running 10 miles. (only like a throw away remark how far have I come?) http://connect.garmin.com/activity/159158088 I need to point out the good training that I have done to get a better picture of were I'm at, On the 26th Feb I ran a hilly 15 miles with Lorraine Albon my Doctor thank god she was with me as my Garmin didn't work on that run, To add that run is my biggest most amazing achievement to date. http://connect.garmin.com/activity/152893692 The following Friday 2nd March I ran 16 miles on a new route for which I was proud of doing http://connect.garmin.com/activity/154142997 And on 11th March a 12 mile run http://connect.garmin.com/activity/156776251 I have also done a couple of 13 mile runs before these runs as well http://connect.garmin.com/activities You can also see my other runs on this link as well, by any stretch of the imagination this is pretty amazing stuff and I am proud beyond belief that I have been able to push myself to achieve what I have.
I am at the moment going through a really tough time mentally, calling it depression would be too general as I think I know why I am just not how to deal with it correctly, Becca and Dawn are aware of this and we have been talking to each other their support is amazing,I still have a feeling of letting them down but I know that after talking to them that I am not (that will be the only negative piece in this blog everything else is how I feel what I can see and hopefully find the answers to make me a better person who likes himself again) Lets go back to basic's everyone is an individual no two people are the same so trying to achieve exactly the same as some one will just be impossible to do, this I have to digest and accept and I am coming round to that a little quicker now. The other thing is our bodies have the best way to tell us what we are doing to it, recognizing this and doing the right thing is the hard part and where I have problems at the moment I am worried that I am making the wrong or not the best choices because I am either getting myself so stressed or putting myself under pressure or most likely both.
As always when I write my blog's honesty is important to me even if it makes life not so easy sometimes. Running The London Marathon and having to raise money is causing the stress and I clearly am not handling it very well at the moment I am also struggling with the training plan I am not enjoying the training whether this is because my body is saying this is hard you need to change what you are doing or whether its my head telling me you are weak you cannot do this just give up (which I am fighting with all my might) and where today it won (or did it) this is where I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with problems, its also a throw back to the bad old days when I was always depressed and struggled to deal with things, if I knew what the trigger was that made this happen life would be better also this is the first major meltdown I have had since I started http://www.thinkingslimmer.com/
At the moment I feel that all the great training that I have done is being undone by my head I feel unfit and unable to run with a level of freedom that I did before the training got more intense the answer to this I really don't know nor do I know if what I am about to do is right, wrong or in between. I am going to do no training at all this week. I will try not to think about training for the marathon and raising money. I will try to have a stress free week and hope to be ready to continue again next week. I will not feel guilty about this what so ever and I know that I will still be able to complete the London Marathon and enjoy what will be a truly amazing day and the most amazing experience of my life with 2 great and amazing people as well.
This is my journey to lose weight the natural way after all the negative publicity.Thank god there are good people out there to help people like me.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Thursday, 8 March 2012
Time To Take Control
I want this post to be positive but as I write down about the last couple of days it may not be, but they will be my true thoughts and feelings.
This is my life journey as I have always said, so therefore I should have the final decision on what I do what I eat how I do it and how I eat it. If someone wishes to help then they have to do it for the right reasons and mean it when they say they want to help this is after all for LIFE it is my LIFE journey its not a diet its not a fad I will not go back to the old ways of eating too much rubbish crap food or takeaways, I do not want to eat crap food (my choice) just because other people want an easy option.
I am making a choice right now that I have made before but after a while my need to allow others to look after me as this is what they wanted to do allowed me to let this happen. I will now for the rest of my LIFE cook my own food as I did before I will never get bored of doing it of cooking different things I will never say I can not be bothered because I will have food frozen for such occasions. I mention last week that I had no meals left in the freezer my oh said she would make some soup no ingredients have been brought no soap has been made I feel a little let down by this. I have food sorted for my late shift's this week we have plenty of good food in the house its just using it in a healthy fuel for the body way.
As you can see I am forcing no one to eat what I eat and my OH can eat what she wants except (here is where I become slightly selfish) and the reason for failing so miserably on Wednesday night. First up its my massage night. Rather than cook she went up the road and got a Chinese take away and then came home and ate in front of me it smelt horrible it looked horrible and I swear my pours were breathing it all in. So I go out for my massage on my way home I think I will buy some rolls that will do the job I go into the shop and they are selling bread very thin sliced for 29p my old head is kicking into overdrive now what a bargain well cheaper than the rolls so I buy the bread get it home eat twice as much because its thin (I have truly lost all control and the plot big style) and then the hatred sets in I'm in the middle of training for a marathon and I do this to myself why? See my run details for Thursday http://connect.garmin.com/activity/155903686 On the plus side after my run I got the bread out poured washing up liquid over the bread and put it in the bin never ever done anything like that before.
I work a three week shift pattern of which some are late shifts again being selfish these would be good times to eat takeaways or bad foods that I try to avoid because I think if I go back to them in any form I will fall back into my old ways again I do not wish this to happen so avoiding them is the best way forward for me. I have made great strides with other things sweets can be in the house and I don't want them cakes is another I can leave but clearly a life time of comfort eating will take many years to heal all my bad comfort foods and these are what I need help and understanding with, not getting that help is causing me great concern if you love someone and say to them I will support you 100% is it to much to think that's what you get or after a while they get bored with what you are trying to do they get fed up hiding food because it helps me.
The one think I hate more than anything since I started the slimpod is negativity, to change my life around I need to be positive, I will have bad days but I need positive energy coming back being told do you thing you its not to early to run a marathon hurts and knocks the stuffing out of you, when you should get back well done make sure you train properly and you will finish to be questioned on how much it costs to enter a race and be told not to spend too much money. I spent £30 a bloody week on comfort eating and never once was I questioned on spending money then.
I'm sorry for spouting but I need to let this out or I will end up failing and I will not allow that to happen at any cost, So from now selfish or not I will be in 100% control of my life I will make decisions about what I eat I will eat food I enjoy eating when I want to eat it, I will make decisions about my health and exercise I will run when I want to run because its good for me if there's a race I will enter it no matter what the cost because the feeling I get from completing a race is priceless to me. This is me taking stock and control of my life only I can truly know what's best for me. I will make one more pledge I will go through my pods and I will start again as if I had never used them before, I am guilty of letting things slip I need to go back to basic's and start enjoying my journey.
I know I'm not perfect far far from it, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I am a different person to live with than before If I get this part of my life right then I can be the better person that I strive to want to be, I do not like hating myself and I have found out how to love myself for the first time ever but I fear I'm losing that feeling, I need to fight to get it back because if I can not love myself how can I love anyone else?
This is my life journey as I have always said, so therefore I should have the final decision on what I do what I eat how I do it and how I eat it. If someone wishes to help then they have to do it for the right reasons and mean it when they say they want to help this is after all for LIFE it is my LIFE journey its not a diet its not a fad I will not go back to the old ways of eating too much rubbish crap food or takeaways, I do not want to eat crap food (my choice) just because other people want an easy option.
I am making a choice right now that I have made before but after a while my need to allow others to look after me as this is what they wanted to do allowed me to let this happen. I will now for the rest of my LIFE cook my own food as I did before I will never get bored of doing it of cooking different things I will never say I can not be bothered because I will have food frozen for such occasions. I mention last week that I had no meals left in the freezer my oh said she would make some soup no ingredients have been brought no soap has been made I feel a little let down by this. I have food sorted for my late shift's this week we have plenty of good food in the house its just using it in a healthy fuel for the body way.
As you can see I am forcing no one to eat what I eat and my OH can eat what she wants except (here is where I become slightly selfish) and the reason for failing so miserably on Wednesday night. First up its my massage night. Rather than cook she went up the road and got a Chinese take away and then came home and ate in front of me it smelt horrible it looked horrible and I swear my pours were breathing it all in. So I go out for my massage on my way home I think I will buy some rolls that will do the job I go into the shop and they are selling bread very thin sliced for 29p my old head is kicking into overdrive now what a bargain well cheaper than the rolls so I buy the bread get it home eat twice as much because its thin (I have truly lost all control and the plot big style) and then the hatred sets in I'm in the middle of training for a marathon and I do this to myself why? See my run details for Thursday http://connect.garmin.com/activity/155903686 On the plus side after my run I got the bread out poured washing up liquid over the bread and put it in the bin never ever done anything like that before.
I work a three week shift pattern of which some are late shifts again being selfish these would be good times to eat takeaways or bad foods that I try to avoid because I think if I go back to them in any form I will fall back into my old ways again I do not wish this to happen so avoiding them is the best way forward for me. I have made great strides with other things sweets can be in the house and I don't want them cakes is another I can leave but clearly a life time of comfort eating will take many years to heal all my bad comfort foods and these are what I need help and understanding with, not getting that help is causing me great concern if you love someone and say to them I will support you 100% is it to much to think that's what you get or after a while they get bored with what you are trying to do they get fed up hiding food because it helps me.
The one think I hate more than anything since I started the slimpod is negativity, to change my life around I need to be positive, I will have bad days but I need positive energy coming back being told do you thing you its not to early to run a marathon hurts and knocks the stuffing out of you, when you should get back well done make sure you train properly and you will finish to be questioned on how much it costs to enter a race and be told not to spend too much money. I spent £30 a bloody week on comfort eating and never once was I questioned on spending money then.
I'm sorry for spouting but I need to let this out or I will end up failing and I will not allow that to happen at any cost, So from now selfish or not I will be in 100% control of my life I will make decisions about what I eat I will eat food I enjoy eating when I want to eat it, I will make decisions about my health and exercise I will run when I want to run because its good for me if there's a race I will enter it no matter what the cost because the feeling I get from completing a race is priceless to me. This is me taking stock and control of my life only I can truly know what's best for me. I will make one more pledge I will go through my pods and I will start again as if I had never used them before, I am guilty of letting things slip I need to go back to basic's and start enjoying my journey.
I know I'm not perfect far far from it, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I am a different person to live with than before If I get this part of my life right then I can be the better person that I strive to want to be, I do not like hating myself and I have found out how to love myself for the first time ever but I fear I'm losing that feeling, I need to fight to get it back because if I can not love myself how can I love anyone else?
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