Year 3 April

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!!!

A little dramatic? Maybe, but inside my head it's not. Now to try and make sense of whats inside my head, to do that I am going to dump the contents of my head here, be aware it may not be pretty but it's what is inside my head right now and what I have been struggling with for a while now.

I am not an athlete, I am not a winner, I am not a slimmer version of my former self, I am not the confident new Darin of the past two years. I AM fat lazy useless unfit worthless Darin of pre Thinking Slimmer, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my useless body for not doing what I need it to do. I have lost my love of running, I have lost my love of myself, I am sabotaging my good work I am feeling low I seem to have no get up and go, it has taken me a week to sit down and start writing this blog not because of writers blog but because I could not be bothered (How shocking is that, what has happened to me).

I have let things slip to such an extent that I am kidding myself that I will get a grip tomorrow that I will take back control tomorrow then I think sod it why bother, why carry on putting in all this hard work to feel better to look better, only for my body to keep letting me down to keep breaking down when I need it hold together to take me on the next exciting part of my exercise journey (I have seen glimpses of what I can do if only I was injury free) and it will blow me away to see the improvements that will come with a balanced life of healthy eating and exercise.

Wow that's better out than in for sure, the first positive out of that awful negativity is I am not wallowing in deepest darkest depression, I am struggling mentally yes but I've also managed to keep a level of control that previously I would not have, it would have been so easy this month to just give up (I have had those bad evil thoughts running through my head) and go back to my bad life of before.

So today I have made the choice I need to get a hold of myself take control stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that I really am better than the person I think I have become this past month. I really need to go back to basics start afresh and focus on getting my body fit for purpose this will take time and "patience" I have to stop being so hard on myself and take each setback on the chin, this is clearly really tough to do as this has gone on for so long now and therein lies one of the root problems.

I spoke with my podiatrist last week as we look to fix my foot and whilst things have improved (as seen by the last three runs I have completed) we are still not there yet, he also said that I may need physio, when he said that my heart sunk again, I really am struggling with bad news about my injuries really frustrated that I am not getting better quick enough.

This Sunday I have my last Duathlon and I have done very little training for this event due to injury, to me this seems to me like well you deserve not to train to not be fit and give your best all because the last race I did not finish. I feel a failure because I had set myself a target of completing the three race series, to have not achieved that goal is disappointing. Having never done a duathlon before getting to the start line of all three is the victory sadly I am not feeling the victory and it has affected me badly, I wish it hadn't but it did dealing with that has been very hard and the main reason for having all the bad thoughts I mentioned earlier.

The last  three runs I have completed have been slow and very very hard I seem to have lost all my stamina I had to push so hard to run non stop (I take great pride that I pushed so hard as to stop running for a walking break would be failure) I will be able to complete the duathlon on Sunday as its a 3 mile run 15 mile cycle and 3 mile run I would so loved to have been injury free and really push myself for this race, alas its not meant to be, as much as just finishing is the victory I will struggle to see that and I will have to push myself mentally.

I have three blisters on my left foot one of which is on my heal and very painful (it never ends) so I am unable to train this week I have to give myself every opportunity to be ready for Sunday so it will be slow and steady. My dream is to run a race injury free and be fit that is what will keep me going on race day.

My diet has been very poor this past month for the same reasons as above I have struggled to handle my injuries and have gone into comfort eating mode, this is another reason for holding off sitting down and writing this blog so I can eat crap food for longer, this is a very dangerous habit I need to break straight away I am facing my demons right here and it scares the c**p out of me to be in this position, I have to do the right thing now before I allow myself to lose control completely.

My weight this month has gone up, by the way I have been talking you would think a lot but on reflection it's not that bad. 101.3kg or 15st 13lb a gain of 4lb on last month, on the plus side I don't feel fat just unfit which is surprising for me. My long term weight goal is still achievable as I have until the end of October so I don't need to panic short term.

So what is my plan action?

I have spoken to Hazel and explained what has been happening, how I have felt why I have felt that way and accepted that this is my mess and not in any way to do with her. I have asked Hazel to help me again by keeping bad foods out of the kitchen I need to go back to basic's. This means that I start my pods from day one a fresh start, a new beginning I have to allow the pods to work (at least I know they work) I have to find the balance between food intake and exercise and adjust accordingly something I have failed every time so far. Clearly when I am training well, over a period of time I have a decent balance between the two. I have to take control of this stop feeling sorry for myself every time I have an injury setback.

I need to fall back in love with running I have to start enjoying exercise again because just doing this will get me back on track, that adrenaline rush is the most amazing drug on this planet and I and missing it like crazy. I have to have realistic goals regarding my fitness I have to have PATIENCE I know its easy me saying that word to others, I have to practice what I preach unless I get my fitness and recovery correct I will always struggle and I really don't want that to happen. I want to run Injury free and it will happen.

So this has been a bad month in my head not very pretty nor is it as bad as it first seems, I have a plan it involves my pods it includes even more support from Hazel it includes a good dose of patience as I must allow my body to fix itself at its own speed, there is nothing I can do to make it heal quicker, and it involves my slimpod family people who do just amazing things everyday to change their lives, it is each and everyone of you who keep me going when I struggle. I may not reply but I read your updates.