This Is Me......

Who was I and who am I now?

Why is this post in my Thinking Slimmer blog and not a stand alone blog? I have thought long and hard about what was best to do and hopefully as I continue to write this blog it will become clear at the end.

For as long as I can remember I was always the fat kid the kid to be picked on the kid to have fun with at the expense of other kids, I was I suppose other peoples entertainment. As a child if I was the fat kid being picked on then other kids were grateful it was me and not them. I am sure that there must have been rest bites when other kids were picked on and I was left alone for a while feeling safe that I had some breathing space whilst someone else had the misfortune of the lives at that point being made unbearable. We were only kids but it has blighted my life even now. I am suffering from who I was which is why I am writing this post in the hope of raising awareness and being able to move on. 

Although to be honest there are many adults who should know better but don't they know what they are doing praying on weak people because they can and it makes them feel powerful and important.

So I fell into a situation whereby I become the jolly fat kid always trying to be funny always trying to get people onside so that I would be part of the crowd feel included, wanted like whatever metaphor you would like to use. The other point that has just come to me as I am writing this is that I was always the last fat kid to be put in the team I was never picked always the last one left you could hear the groans as they worked out I would be in there team before everyone had been picked. 

Clearly this happened all through my school life and it also happened during my work life as well (not everywhere I worked.) So am I the victim or does my natural protective behaviour encourage people to bully or verbally and/or mentally abuse me? Well I think a bit of both is the truth, when you get stuck in a cycle then you tend to stay there and so it goes around and around never stopping just waiting for the next group of people.

All the time I am perceived as the fat jolly bloke always trying to get people to like me to be part of the cool gang not be part the losers gang always trying to be funny failing a lot of the time because I'm not being funny sometimes being funny and loving the buzz of being funny at last (like comfort eating) that feeling never lasted very long ever. I could write more I would like to say a lot more but as this is current and still very real I have to very careful about what I say so, best to say nothing.

Some of you know what has been happening, some of you don't know, some of you know more than others no one knows everything because I find it difficult to talk, I don't want to break down in front of friends and family, to those close to me who I know want to listen I know you are there it means a lot to know you are there and you are amazing people for being there for me and allowing me to try and get this mess sorted for hopefully the last time in my life.

For those people who have been making my life a misery I will not take it anymore I don't need it I don't want it and most importantly I will do something about it I am no longer the victim who allows this Bullying to carry on anymore. A few people have made it perfectly clear about how they see me and what they think of me. I am telling you right now you have made your feelings very clear I have suffered enough I don't need you to like me I don't need you to have any part in my life than is necessary, don't try and be nice to me because people like you are not worth bothering about I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL I just don't need you period.

Who am I now?

I am Darin McCloud a person who for the past 2 years and 8 months has decided to make changes to my life that will benefit me. I have lost 5 stone and kept it off for over two years I have learnt to love myself for the first time ever this is still work in progress as the first half of this blog will testify but I am getting there I am taking control of my life I am not allowing life to control me anymore. I have become an athlete, I am a marathon runner (I so love that title)  I run 5k 10K half marathons and duathlons (run bike run) I cycle for fun thinking nothing of going out for 30 or 40+ miles just because I can.

I am an inspiration to many people (for a long time I was uncomfortable with this title but not anymore) Not once has any of these people ever had anything but respect for me as a human being they have shown me how I deserve and should be treated and I love that way of being treated. They have opened my eyes to the way I allowed other people to treat me that was not conducive to my long term mental wellbeing. The more I changed into the person I am today, the more it seems to me these people tried to make my life worse as they were losing the power and control over me they once had.

I have respect for myself, I love myself, I care about myself, and more importantly I know that I have to put myself first rather than other people because without doing that first I cannot move on. If that sounds tough then hard luck, the previous 45 years of my life has not been a bed of roses, the rest of my life I have left will be better. This is the new me take it or leave it, but treat me with respect I am not the fat kid desperate to fit in I know I fit in, I help make a difference to so many people from all walks of life who like me have struggled for whatever reasons to change their lives for the better so they give the lives they deserve.

Its not easy its a long journey but taken with like minded new friends its a journey done with love and support the way humans should look after each other. I will make mistakes along the way because I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect but they will be honest mistakes as I learn how to be the new me so that each day I am better than I was the day before.  

    

    

Year 3 August

Lets start with cycling, I am loving being able to cycle at work it allows me to have extra training taking the pressure off my legs walking around this is a win win and I'm sure is helping me in the long term, the fact that I am also good with doing exercise and not recording it is a great plus and a move away from only doing stuff that can be recorded that I always clung onto to the detriment of myself.. Some days are better than others when it comes to cycling at work depending on where in the city I am working. But this is wholly a giant positive and one I am so pleased with.

The next BIG news that was hinted at in the last blog is that I am now officially signed off from the hospital reference my physiotherapy on my ankle. That makes me injury Free for (realistically) the first time since I started exercising. Injury Free I cannot explain in words how amazing it feels to be able to say that nor did I think (honestly) that I would ever achieve this.

Being injury free brings a whole new way of running. Guilt free running! knowing that I can run and I'm not waiting for something to hurt, breakdown or slowdown the healing process. It makes running even more enjoyable than it ever was, just because before I was carrying, nursing or making a new injury.

I have done a few runs this month with 3 of them in Esher it has a very steep hill running down it is ok but you still have to slow yourself down and running up it is so tough. I enjoyed the challenge of those runs and the opportunity to run somewhere new, it always gives me a buzz knowing I can run somewhere different. The other important note to this is that whilst these runs were short in distance due to time restraints the hill was steep and my body was able to cope with this without any reaction (apart from sore muscles for a short period)

The other runs during the month were all about just running enjoying it and slowly building up my stamina as the Great South Run is at the end of October, I believe I have given myself the best opportunity to achieve one of my long term goals of this year which is to run the race injury free, I have some other goals related to this at the moment I can see that being 1 goal reached and 1 goal failed. The truth is that injury free will be the one that makes me the happiest, proudest person I could ever be.

I had the honour and privilege to meet up with Sarah Elliston who is part of Team Thinking Slimmer for the Palace 2 Palace Cycle Ride and her husband John to cycle from Havant to Port Solent. It was so lovely to cycle with someone else this is the first time I have cycled with someone in training it was great to chat as we cycled along but more importantly I learnt something that will make the cycle ride more enjoyable and fun for me personally and that is not to take my road bike. Thank you Sarah and John it was amazing.

If this was a race then it would be ok this a is a cycle for charity and whilst I have been cycling for over 12 months now other people in the team have not nor have they cycled that long or over that sort of distance until training for this event so I will be taking Hazel's hybrid bike for the day and look forward to cycling with new friends. I am so glad I found this out before the day.

As I have just mentioned it is a charity event, the reason for doing this event is that Sandra Roycroft-Davis asked me if I would be interested I owe Sandra so much, more than I could ever repay so of course I said yes. The other reason is that its for the The Princes Trust this is Sandra's favorite charity so thats good enough for me.

On that note I make no apologies for doing this, each member of the team has to pay for their own entry and expenses for the day or weekend and raise £90 each on top of that commitment. Team Thinking Slimmer has 8 members so requires in total £720 The link takes you to the fundraising page you can sponsor team members individually or sponsor Team Thinking Slimmer as a group.

If you have had help from Thinking Slimmer from Sandra or from anyone in the group and you can spare a few pounds to put into the pot then please do, this is Sandra's favorite charity this is Team Thinking Slimmer this is your team not ours lets give something back to Sandra lets make her even prouder of us than she already is lets show Sandra we care about her as much as she cares about us. We all are Team Thinking Slimmer. If you read this blog outside of the Thinking Slimmer group and you could spare a few pounds its for a fantastic cause.

I may in the near future have something else exciting to tell you about, if it happens for me it will be an amazing experience, the reason for not saying anymore is that it requires me to be selected and that won't be done until later in the year and is not necessarily a foregone conclusion although I am hopeful it will happen either way I will tell you about it when I can. I am very excited by the way! The other reason for mentioning this is that if I had not done what I have over the past 2 years and 8 months I would not have been asked if I was interested in doing this, it just shows yet again how far I have come in my journey to be even considered to be asked about it.

To all my friends who have helped me recently I thank you (I have to be careful how I write this) You support has been amazing. I am still struggling with events just when I thought things were starting to get better it seems it will get even worse before that happens, whilst I am struggling with events quite badly if I'm honest I have a support network in place already and getting help from where its needed. I am seriously thinking of speaking to my doctor about these events but I feel this would be a backward step to somewhere I hoped I would never have to go back too.

To Hazel I am so sorry that I am struggling on this front that I/it is making you life uncomfortable/miserable I am trying so hard even on the bad days, I am still fighting the darkness I will never give up, please do not give up on me I know you care even when I push you away. xxx

Right lets end up on a massive positive when I started my journey I had two co-morbidities Type 2 Diabetes which we all know how well that has gone even if I will stay a diabetic the rest of my life. the other one was Sleep Apnoea and the dreaded c-pap machine. I have not used my machine for months and months as the noise of the machine was keeping me awake (self defeating) so I stopped using it and hazel never gave me any digs as I was now breathing properly through the night.

Two weeks ago I had an appointment at hospital and was given a night monitor kit which I took home how they find anything out is beyond me because it is impossible to sleep properly with all those wires all over you. I took it back and was told I would hear from them in 6- 8 weeks which is the norm for these tests. Last Friday I get a phone message to call the nurse at the hospital I am now panicking as this is less than two weeks, they only call with bad news right?

Wrong! The phone call went. Well done Darin you don't have Sleep Apnoea anymore can you bring the c-pap machine back in the next few days so that we can use it for someone else, well done on what you have achieved don't put the weight back on because we don't want to see you again. What really? was my reply Yes really the reply.

I am so proud to have achieved something without the need for surgery and it just goes to show that with perseverance and patience you can improve your health for the better by choosing a better lifestyle than the one you once had this has taken 2 years and 8 months to reach this goal to be signed off from the hospital. I also could not of achieved this without the help and support of Thinking Slimmer.

Do I wish to be lighter than I am? Yes I do, am I in a rush to get there? No this news trumps any more weight loss. As long as I don't weigh more than I do now as long as I can run and cycle, I am happy in the short term I don't need to be the slimmest the fittest the strongest the fastest "I need to be me the best that I can be" (Trevor Silvester) as long as I continue to live by that mantra I will have a better longer life than I would have had before I started my journey.