This Is Me......

Who was I and who am I now?

Why is this post in my Thinking Slimmer blog and not a stand alone blog? I have thought long and hard about what was best to do and hopefully as I continue to write this blog it will become clear at the end.

For as long as I can remember I was always the fat kid the kid to be picked on the kid to have fun with at the expense of other kids, I was I suppose other peoples entertainment. As a child if I was the fat kid being picked on then other kids were grateful it was me and not them. I am sure that there must have been rest bites when other kids were picked on and I was left alone for a while feeling safe that I had some breathing space whilst someone else had the misfortune of the lives at that point being made unbearable. We were only kids but it has blighted my life even now. I am suffering from who I was which is why I am writing this post in the hope of raising awareness and being able to move on. 

Although to be honest there are many adults who should know better but don't they know what they are doing praying on weak people because they can and it makes them feel powerful and important.

So I fell into a situation whereby I become the jolly fat kid always trying to be funny always trying to get people onside so that I would be part of the crowd feel included, wanted like whatever metaphor you would like to use. The other point that has just come to me as I am writing this is that I was always the last fat kid to be put in the team I was never picked always the last one left you could hear the groans as they worked out I would be in there team before everyone had been picked. 

Clearly this happened all through my school life and it also happened during my work life as well (not everywhere I worked.) So am I the victim or does my natural protective behaviour encourage people to bully or verbally and/or mentally abuse me? Well I think a bit of both is the truth, when you get stuck in a cycle then you tend to stay there and so it goes around and around never stopping just waiting for the next group of people.

All the time I am perceived as the fat jolly bloke always trying to get people to like me to be part of the cool gang not be part the losers gang always trying to be funny failing a lot of the time because I'm not being funny sometimes being funny and loving the buzz of being funny at last (like comfort eating) that feeling never lasted very long ever. I could write more I would like to say a lot more but as this is current and still very real I have to very careful about what I say so, best to say nothing.

Some of you know what has been happening, some of you don't know, some of you know more than others no one knows everything because I find it difficult to talk, I don't want to break down in front of friends and family, to those close to me who I know want to listen I know you are there it means a lot to know you are there and you are amazing people for being there for me and allowing me to try and get this mess sorted for hopefully the last time in my life.

For those people who have been making my life a misery I will not take it anymore I don't need it I don't want it and most importantly I will do something about it I am no longer the victim who allows this Bullying to carry on anymore. A few people have made it perfectly clear about how they see me and what they think of me. I am telling you right now you have made your feelings very clear I have suffered enough I don't need you to like me I don't need you to have any part in my life than is necessary, don't try and be nice to me because people like you are not worth bothering about I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL I just don't need you period.

Who am I now?

I am Darin McCloud a person who for the past 2 years and 8 months has decided to make changes to my life that will benefit me. I have lost 5 stone and kept it off for over two years I have learnt to love myself for the first time ever this is still work in progress as the first half of this blog will testify but I am getting there I am taking control of my life I am not allowing life to control me anymore. I have become an athlete, I am a marathon runner (I so love that title)  I run 5k 10K half marathons and duathlons (run bike run) I cycle for fun thinking nothing of going out for 30 or 40+ miles just because I can.

I am an inspiration to many people (for a long time I was uncomfortable with this title but not anymore) Not once has any of these people ever had anything but respect for me as a human being they have shown me how I deserve and should be treated and I love that way of being treated. They have opened my eyes to the way I allowed other people to treat me that was not conducive to my long term mental wellbeing. The more I changed into the person I am today, the more it seems to me these people tried to make my life worse as they were losing the power and control over me they once had.

I have respect for myself, I love myself, I care about myself, and more importantly I know that I have to put myself first rather than other people because without doing that first I cannot move on. If that sounds tough then hard luck, the previous 45 years of my life has not been a bed of roses, the rest of my life I have left will be better. This is the new me take it or leave it, but treat me with respect I am not the fat kid desperate to fit in I know I fit in, I help make a difference to so many people from all walks of life who like me have struggled for whatever reasons to change their lives for the better so they give the lives they deserve.

Its not easy its a long journey but taken with like minded new friends its a journey done with love and support the way humans should look after each other. I will make mistakes along the way because I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect but they will be honest mistakes as I learn how to be the new me so that each day I am better than I was the day before.  

    

    

Year 3 August

Lets start with cycling, I am loving being able to cycle at work it allows me to have extra training taking the pressure off my legs walking around this is a win win and I'm sure is helping me in the long term, the fact that I am also good with doing exercise and not recording it is a great plus and a move away from only doing stuff that can be recorded that I always clung onto to the detriment of myself.. Some days are better than others when it comes to cycling at work depending on where in the city I am working. But this is wholly a giant positive and one I am so pleased with.

The next BIG news that was hinted at in the last blog is that I am now officially signed off from the hospital reference my physiotherapy on my ankle. That makes me injury Free for (realistically) the first time since I started exercising. Injury Free I cannot explain in words how amazing it feels to be able to say that nor did I think (honestly) that I would ever achieve this.

Being injury free brings a whole new way of running. Guilt free running! knowing that I can run and I'm not waiting for something to hurt, breakdown or slowdown the healing process. It makes running even more enjoyable than it ever was, just because before I was carrying, nursing or making a new injury.

I have done a few runs this month with 3 of them in Esher it has a very steep hill running down it is ok but you still have to slow yourself down and running up it is so tough. I enjoyed the challenge of those runs and the opportunity to run somewhere new, it always gives me a buzz knowing I can run somewhere different. The other important note to this is that whilst these runs were short in distance due to time restraints the hill was steep and my body was able to cope with this without any reaction (apart from sore muscles for a short period)

The other runs during the month were all about just running enjoying it and slowly building up my stamina as the Great South Run is at the end of October, I believe I have given myself the best opportunity to achieve one of my long term goals of this year which is to run the race injury free, I have some other goals related to this at the moment I can see that being 1 goal reached and 1 goal failed. The truth is that injury free will be the one that makes me the happiest, proudest person I could ever be.

I had the honour and privilege to meet up with Sarah Elliston who is part of Team Thinking Slimmer for the Palace 2 Palace Cycle Ride and her husband John to cycle from Havant to Port Solent. It was so lovely to cycle with someone else this is the first time I have cycled with someone in training it was great to chat as we cycled along but more importantly I learnt something that will make the cycle ride more enjoyable and fun for me personally and that is not to take my road bike. Thank you Sarah and John it was amazing.

If this was a race then it would be ok this a is a cycle for charity and whilst I have been cycling for over 12 months now other people in the team have not nor have they cycled that long or over that sort of distance until training for this event so I will be taking Hazel's hybrid bike for the day and look forward to cycling with new friends. I am so glad I found this out before the day.

As I have just mentioned it is a charity event, the reason for doing this event is that Sandra Roycroft-Davis asked me if I would be interested I owe Sandra so much, more than I could ever repay so of course I said yes. The other reason is that its for the The Princes Trust this is Sandra's favorite charity so thats good enough for me.

On that note I make no apologies for doing this, each member of the team has to pay for their own entry and expenses for the day or weekend and raise £90 each on top of that commitment. Team Thinking Slimmer has 8 members so requires in total £720 The link takes you to the fundraising page you can sponsor team members individually or sponsor Team Thinking Slimmer as a group.

If you have had help from Thinking Slimmer from Sandra or from anyone in the group and you can spare a few pounds to put into the pot then please do, this is Sandra's favorite charity this is Team Thinking Slimmer this is your team not ours lets give something back to Sandra lets make her even prouder of us than she already is lets show Sandra we care about her as much as she cares about us. We all are Team Thinking Slimmer. If you read this blog outside of the Thinking Slimmer group and you could spare a few pounds its for a fantastic cause.

I may in the near future have something else exciting to tell you about, if it happens for me it will be an amazing experience, the reason for not saying anymore is that it requires me to be selected and that won't be done until later in the year and is not necessarily a foregone conclusion although I am hopeful it will happen either way I will tell you about it when I can. I am very excited by the way! The other reason for mentioning this is that if I had not done what I have over the past 2 years and 8 months I would not have been asked if I was interested in doing this, it just shows yet again how far I have come in my journey to be even considered to be asked about it.

To all my friends who have helped me recently I thank you (I have to be careful how I write this) You support has been amazing. I am still struggling with events just when I thought things were starting to get better it seems it will get even worse before that happens, whilst I am struggling with events quite badly if I'm honest I have a support network in place already and getting help from where its needed. I am seriously thinking of speaking to my doctor about these events but I feel this would be a backward step to somewhere I hoped I would never have to go back too.

To Hazel I am so sorry that I am struggling on this front that I/it is making you life uncomfortable/miserable I am trying so hard even on the bad days, I am still fighting the darkness I will never give up, please do not give up on me I know you care even when I push you away. xxx

Right lets end up on a massive positive when I started my journey I had two co-morbidities Type 2 Diabetes which we all know how well that has gone even if I will stay a diabetic the rest of my life. the other one was Sleep Apnoea and the dreaded c-pap machine. I have not used my machine for months and months as the noise of the machine was keeping me awake (self defeating) so I stopped using it and hazel never gave me any digs as I was now breathing properly through the night.

Two weeks ago I had an appointment at hospital and was given a night monitor kit which I took home how they find anything out is beyond me because it is impossible to sleep properly with all those wires all over you. I took it back and was told I would hear from them in 6- 8 weeks which is the norm for these tests. Last Friday I get a phone message to call the nurse at the hospital I am now panicking as this is less than two weeks, they only call with bad news right?

Wrong! The phone call went. Well done Darin you don't have Sleep Apnoea anymore can you bring the c-pap machine back in the next few days so that we can use it for someone else, well done on what you have achieved don't put the weight back on because we don't want to see you again. What really? was my reply Yes really the reply.

I am so proud to have achieved something without the need for surgery and it just goes to show that with perseverance and patience you can improve your health for the better by choosing a better lifestyle than the one you once had this has taken 2 years and 8 months to reach this goal to be signed off from the hospital. I also could not of achieved this without the help and support of Thinking Slimmer.

Do I wish to be lighter than I am? Yes I do, am I in a rush to get there? No this news trumps any more weight loss. As long as I don't weigh more than I do now as long as I can run and cycle, I am happy in the short term I don't need to be the slimmest the fittest the strongest the fastest "I need to be me the best that I can be" (Trevor Silvester) as long as I continue to live by that mantra I will have a better longer life than I would have had before I started my journey.    

         





  





 


























    

 

Year 3 July

Good news I think this may be a short blog It has taken 2 weeks to sit down and write this as I have struggled to add anything meaningful. I have even reread June's post to make sure I don't repeat myself.

I think the main thing to come out of July was that I only trained for one day it may have been a 32 mile cycle ride and a 2.3 mile run later in the day, I am completely fine with that stat and that is the biggest learning curve for me.

Regular readers will know how much I have struggled with not being able to run whilst injured and/or not fully fit thus never allowing my body to fully recover, the fact that I have allowed my body the chance to relax and recover whilst not beating myself up for being lazy or worrying about falling out of love of running or training.

I am so much more mentally stronger than I used to be, for that I am grateful to my pods to the support of Sandra and Trevor and my running partners who have always helped and supported me (I like to thing its a two way thing with my running partners) you know who you are.

The important thing to note is that it has taken over 12 months if not longer to reach this point and many little chats and pep talks along the way plus no one giving up on me when I really struggled with how to handle the advice in the right way. This has been a long and sometimes painful (mentally) part of my journey and it shows the importance of patience on both sides as now I can see that all the advice and help I received make's sense now but at the time I could not process it into a meaningful way forward for me.

So thats it really for this month, as we are halfway through the month I can say that a load of great things have happened already so next months blog will have plenty of good news and feelgood factor stuff as well. Blimey I am even exciting myself with the build up to the next blog (no pressure then)  

Year 3 June

This months Blog will be about coming to the end (hopefully) of a long and difficult part of a section of my journey, (Injuries) which as you read will seem strange as I still have one injury for which I am receiving NHS support in the form of Physio for my weak right ankle. I am allowed to run which make it seem less like an injury and more like an inconvenience with that in mind I have to go more careful and not get carried away and make things worse. 

I have agreed with Roz (physio) that I will only run 3 miles at a time and too not run every day so realistically that means once or twice a week (shift work permitting) I can still ride my bike as well so that means I can do a decent level of training as I build my stamina back up to previous levels and beyond.

I have some good news on the work front in that I am now a cyclist at work, it has taken almost 6 months to get to this point I do despair at the speed my managers work at sometimes but we are here now and that is what matters the most. The guy who rode in my team before me decided he did not wish to cycle anymore, the timing was right as I was still struggling with my calf problems so I decided that cycling would help my legs better as less walking means less impact on my joints and will aid recovery better between training runs. 

Yesterday I went out on the bike for the first time with a colleague and also had my bike assessment to make sure I am capable of riding a bike on the road. I have to say I really loved the freedom of riding the bike and it will clearly help my training that I get some bike riding in during work time a win win situation. As you may know I like a medal or something to show my achievement sadly nothing from work I did mention to Hazel my disappointment and she clearly has too much time on her hands at work did this for me. 

I appear to have reached the light at the end of the tunnel it has been a long and dark tunnel for sure as you have read previously I still worry looking back at them that I moan too much about my lot when I know i am just recording how my journey is going good or bad, slow or fast. I have spent the past few days thinking about the content of this blog and this allows me to take a step outside the box and look in and see the wood from the trees.   

Running the duathlons was something I had set my heart on doing it was a natural progression to combine the two disciplines of running and cycling and like the marathon I don't regret doing them. Was my body in a state to complete 3 duathlons in 3 months? Truthfully not and twisting my ankle on the beach of race two did not help my cause. I believe I am a better stronger person for entering all 3 races rather than pulling out. 

So I have no regrets on taking on a remarkable challenge that pushed me to my limits and beyond and whilst I found getting injured and not being able to train properly frustrating and at the time upsetting I know that getting to the start line of all 3 races was the victory for me.

Without being at the duathlons I would not have met my sports massage therapist Amanda Fuller with respect to all the other professionals I have dealt with Amanda spoke my language everything she said about my injuries made sense everything she said about repairing my muscles made sense I understood what she was saying I understood what she would achieve this was another moment of clarity for me that I knew this would be the way forward in getting me to run injury free.

I had 3 massages in just under 4 weeks each one of them hurt and at the time I will be honest and say I expected to feel different than I did after the 3rd massage but that is managing expectations its not till afterwards when recovery has happened and you run again that you can see and feel the improvements this is shown in the last of my 10K runs and training runs afterwards Caen 10K Training Run 1 Training Run 2 Training Run 3 

Run 2 was a P/B for 5k this was achieved without any intention of running that fast it just shows that I have a stock level of fitness and that the massages did work and have freed my legs and muscles to work better its also worth noting that my ankle is still weak and will take some time to heal properly but being able to run and cycle makes all the difference, I will take heed of what the physio says about running and will not over do things. I plan on having a sports massage once a month to help keep my body in shape to do what I need it to do.

I saw my podiatrist last week and updated him on my ankle and the physio I am having he said I need a better ankle support and he recommend the Aircast A60 ankle support as worn by Andy Murray. This is a better more robust ankle support that I can wear whilst running and cycling that will offer better protection and support and hopefully aid recovery of my weak ankle. Aircast A60 Ankle Bracelet

Things are looking up, the world looks a better place than it has done in a long time, the reason for this is allowing time to pass, allowing my body the chance to recover and heal the realization     that you can not rush injuries they take as long as they take to heal, just like the weight loss injuries are not a quick fix solution they take time they need nurturing.

So at long last after all this time I have reached the point where I can accept being injured I can relax about it, take the time needed to recover and heal my body and then go out and do the hard part getting fit again because no matter how much fitness you have taking time out and starting again is hard. Getting your head in the right frame of mind to go out and run again is tough but once you do it a couple of times its like you have never stopped. 

That for me is the reason I struggled so much I was SCARED of not going back out running or cycling again that I would hate doing it again, I really am stupid like I will never run or cycle again hell will freeze over before that ever happens, yet I still doubted myself thank goodness for Thinking Slimmer and the pods because I know that no matter how bumpy my road takes me I will always learn lessons from my journey and know that I will come out the other side a better person than before. Two and half years into my journey I am still amazed that I am still learning things about myself and moving further and further away from the old me.

How cool is that!!! 

As today is the day I am posting this blog I would like to wish my Mum a Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday Mum Love you Loads xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




      

Year 3 May

After a couple of very challenging months where I have gone from some massive's lows (disappointments) to some highs, from frustration to a new acceptance (calm) from falling out of love with running to falling back in love with running, from hating being injured again and again to accepting that rest sometimes is really the correct thing to do. I have this weekend been off work the sun is shining and for the first time in a long time I am not going out for a run or a cycle ride and the best thing is I DON'T FEEL GUILTY. Freedom comes in many shapes and forms my freedom was always exercise it made me feel good the endorphin rush every time I finished a session.

At this time in my journey freedom comes from the acceptance that my body needs proper time to repair, heal and recover it helps I have spoken with a sports massage therapist who is on the same page as me. She listened to what I was saying she massaged my body from the waist down and spoke with a clear knowledge about what she felt as she worked her way down my legs. I have the utmost confidence in her that she will get me out running. My leg muscles have shown an improvement in the 5 days since my first massage they are still knotted, stiff, hard, but getting looser and the pain is receding everyday.

I will be running again soon but I won't be rushing to get out there it will be for the right reason when I go out  safe in the knowledge I am helping my recovery not hindering it. The fact I am not beating myself up now shows how far I have come in the last couple of months, and the need to have gone through this process to get myself in the right place at the right time with the right help. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and you have to find the answers to those problems.

My slimpod has helped me get through the past couple of months. I think its worth pointing out that the slimpods are not just about the weight loss but also about giving you the tools to make better decisions. My previous blogs have been about my struggles to make the right choices to make me see that sometimes you have to do things that seem wrong and go against what you believe in to get to where you want to be. I hope you don't mistake those blogs for whining, moaning, feeling sorry for myself but learning blogs for myself primarily and others reading these blogs to help them along their journeys. I have never doubted nor will I ever doubt the pods, I accept the true path to a better future is a winding road and its how we manage it that defines us, what I do know is I make way better decisions now than before Thinking Slimmer

This month has seen me have 3 race's in 3 weekends the last of my duathlons Duathlon Run to Bike Duathlon Bike to Run Run to Finish Garmin crashed on download so sadly no other details. My last run was painfully slow as my quads had stiffened up so I am just as proud to have slowed down and give myself the chance to finish the race.

A week with no training followed as I prepared my body for my next race Bognor Prom 10K  the first time ever I have run a whole race not something that was planned as you can see my goals were only to complete the race so this was an amazing achievement and shows that whilst your fitness levels do drop there is still plenty in the locker to get you home if the conditions are right on the day.     

Again another week of no training as the focus is the next race on the Bank Holiday Monday Bupa 10000 London This race was run in very hot conditions if you're not aware I am not a hot weather person period, I also will not allow that to stop me from running. I will adjust and make sure that the goal is reached and thats always to finish anything is a bonus. After nearly 2 miles I was struggling so at that point I then knew I would not run the whole race, I had drinks with me the whole way round the course to keep me hydrated, everything I needed to do I did. I am just as proud of this run as the fantastic run the week before.

The day after the Bupa 10000 I had my first massage session my legs are bad very sore,stiff and hard muscles, this massage hurt quite a lot and I'm sure that my next one will hurt even more as the therapist goes deeper next time. so no running so far this week, my choice as I allow my muscles to repair I have done a fair amount of walking as I have to move around and stretch the muscles. Doing nothing would harm them and I don't want that to happen I may well go out for a gentle 3 or 4 mile run before my next massage on Thursday to just run the stiffness out without making them work too hard.

As you have read from my previous blogs I have struggled to come to terms with my trials and tribulations I struggle when I put myself under pressure but so far I always come out the other side having learnt a great deal that will help me in the future, that is the biggest difference I always learn and improve, it may take me longer than others to get there I may hate that it takes me so long to learn these lessons but as Trevor mentions in his pods things only have to be possible not easy. Accepting that life is not easy does not mean life is not possible that you don't have to give up you just need to find the answers to move on.

In the past couple of months I have learnt to accept who I am and that my body is not fully equiped to do all I set out to do yet, by readjusting goals does not mean failure it means learning what you body tells you and doing the right things to correct them or make them better so that in the future my body will cope with what I want to throw at it. I will be throwing a lot more my body's way,

I have plans for the future to evolve to try new things, the same plans as a few months ago some have just been pushed back a little some have been cancelled thats all, sometimes I forget I did not go on a diet and failed yet again as all my diets have in the past. I am on a lifestyle change that will last my whole lifetime this journey never ends unlike a diet that always end in failure.

I have also noticed that when I struggle with these problems I also struggle with my eating the deeper I go the  more I use food as a comfort resort whilst this is not good I'm also not going overboard with my eating, it's my perception of my eating that distorts my view yes I have gained nearly a stone from my lowest weight.

I am still doing amazing things on the running cycling front even with my unfit body. I have made a decision that I will not worry about my weight (easier said than done) until the end of October when I run the Great South Run. That was my goal to be fit be lighter and run  faster, I have time on my side to achieve this goal and fretting and worrying in the meantime will only hinder not help me achieve this goal.

By the way when I start running again look forward to me moaning about how bloody hard it is, how unfit I am, how slow I am, just tell me to shut up and get on with it because each time I go out and run injury free my stamina and fitness will return, it will also return quicker because of the hard work I have put in previously I am looking forward to running again and starting to improve so that I can reach the level I know I can achieve. As I have said earlier in this blog it might have taken me a little longer than planned but I will get there.

Patience is a word easy said but very difficult to do, we live in a society that is fast, instant, results required yesterday etc this is our body there are no quick fix solutions time and patience are required to fix it and keep it fixed forever.




























   

Year 3 April

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!!!

A little dramatic? Maybe, but inside my head it's not. Now to try and make sense of whats inside my head, to do that I am going to dump the contents of my head here, be aware it may not be pretty but it's what is inside my head right now and what I have been struggling with for a while now.

I am not an athlete, I am not a winner, I am not a slimmer version of my former self, I am not the confident new Darin of the past two years. I AM fat lazy useless unfit worthless Darin of pre Thinking Slimmer, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my useless body for not doing what I need it to do. I have lost my love of running, I have lost my love of myself, I am sabotaging my good work I am feeling low I seem to have no get up and go, it has taken me a week to sit down and start writing this blog not because of writers blog but because I could not be bothered (How shocking is that, what has happened to me).

I have let things slip to such an extent that I am kidding myself that I will get a grip tomorrow that I will take back control tomorrow then I think sod it why bother, why carry on putting in all this hard work to feel better to look better, only for my body to keep letting me down to keep breaking down when I need it hold together to take me on the next exciting part of my exercise journey (I have seen glimpses of what I can do if only I was injury free) and it will blow me away to see the improvements that will come with a balanced life of healthy eating and exercise.

Wow that's better out than in for sure, the first positive out of that awful negativity is I am not wallowing in deepest darkest depression, I am struggling mentally yes but I've also managed to keep a level of control that previously I would not have, it would have been so easy this month to just give up (I have had those bad evil thoughts running through my head) and go back to my bad life of before.

So today I have made the choice I need to get a hold of myself take control stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that I really am better than the person I think I have become this past month. I really need to go back to basics start afresh and focus on getting my body fit for purpose this will take time and "patience" I have to stop being so hard on myself and take each setback on the chin, this is clearly really tough to do as this has gone on for so long now and therein lies one of the root problems.

I spoke with my podiatrist last week as we look to fix my foot and whilst things have improved (as seen by the last three runs I have completed) we are still not there yet, he also said that I may need physio, when he said that my heart sunk again, I really am struggling with bad news about my injuries really frustrated that I am not getting better quick enough.

This Sunday I have my last Duathlon and I have done very little training for this event due to injury, to me this seems to me like well you deserve not to train to not be fit and give your best all because the last race I did not finish. I feel a failure because I had set myself a target of completing the three race series, to have not achieved that goal is disappointing. Having never done a duathlon before getting to the start line of all three is the victory sadly I am not feeling the victory and it has affected me badly, I wish it hadn't but it did dealing with that has been very hard and the main reason for having all the bad thoughts I mentioned earlier.

The last  three runs I have completed have been slow and very very hard I seem to have lost all my stamina I had to push so hard to run non stop (I take great pride that I pushed so hard as to stop running for a walking break would be failure) I will be able to complete the duathlon on Sunday as its a 3 mile run 15 mile cycle and 3 mile run I would so loved to have been injury free and really push myself for this race, alas its not meant to be, as much as just finishing is the victory I will struggle to see that and I will have to push myself mentally.

I have three blisters on my left foot one of which is on my heal and very painful (it never ends) so I am unable to train this week I have to give myself every opportunity to be ready for Sunday so it will be slow and steady. My dream is to run a race injury free and be fit that is what will keep me going on race day.

My diet has been very poor this past month for the same reasons as above I have struggled to handle my injuries and have gone into comfort eating mode, this is another reason for holding off sitting down and writing this blog so I can eat crap food for longer, this is a very dangerous habit I need to break straight away I am facing my demons right here and it scares the c**p out of me to be in this position, I have to do the right thing now before I allow myself to lose control completely.

My weight this month has gone up, by the way I have been talking you would think a lot but on reflection it's not that bad. 101.3kg or 15st 13lb a gain of 4lb on last month, on the plus side I don't feel fat just unfit which is surprising for me. My long term weight goal is still achievable as I have until the end of October so I don't need to panic short term.

So what is my plan action?

I have spoken to Hazel and explained what has been happening, how I have felt why I have felt that way and accepted that this is my mess and not in any way to do with her. I have asked Hazel to help me again by keeping bad foods out of the kitchen I need to go back to basic's. This means that I start my pods from day one a fresh start, a new beginning I have to allow the pods to work (at least I know they work) I have to find the balance between food intake and exercise and adjust accordingly something I have failed every time so far. Clearly when I am training well, over a period of time I have a decent balance between the two. I have to take control of this stop feeling sorry for myself every time I have an injury setback.

I need to fall back in love with running I have to start enjoying exercise again because just doing this will get me back on track, that adrenaline rush is the most amazing drug on this planet and I and missing it like crazy. I have to have realistic goals regarding my fitness I have to have PATIENCE I know its easy me saying that word to others, I have to practice what I preach unless I get my fitness and recovery correct I will always struggle and I really don't want that to happen. I want to run Injury free and it will happen.

So this has been a bad month in my head not very pretty nor is it as bad as it first seems, I have a plan it involves my pods it includes even more support from Hazel it includes a good dose of patience as I must allow my body to fix itself at its own speed, there is nothing I can do to make it heal quicker, and it involves my slimpod family people who do just amazing things everyday to change their lives, it is each and everyone of you who keep me going when I struggle. I may not reply but I read your updates.

DNF Twisted Ankle

I have waited 24 hours to write this blog as I want to be honest with how I feel and not turn it into a winge fest of indulgent self pity (I hope that at the end of this post I have avoided that). So here goes lets state the obvious I had to pull out of this race the good news was I did not have to pull out because of my foot injury although my foot being weak did not help.

The night before the race I was nervous and scared, strange feeling to have now but I think it was down to the fact that all joking aside I do take my health and fitness seriously, I may make the wrong choices or decisions sometimes the important thing with that statement is I am making decisions about me I am in control of me I know my body I know my mind I know what I need to do to make me feel good about myself. I also make a lot of good/brilliant decisions and its easy to forget that we make those decisions.

For the record starting this duathlon was the right decision. Why? I hear you cry when you DNF.

Race day I am confident that I will complete the race I am confident that the 10 days rest has helped and I will get round, if I thought that would not happen I would not have started the race. So the race start's and I have 4.75 miles in front of me we run down towards Eastney I notice after 1 mile I am in last position as the last rider bike Marshall is on my shoulder, this somehow had a calming effect on me and I just concentrate on my running I am feeling good I have no worries, my foot aches a little but that's normal since the orthotics but I am running too a good/fast pace I feel comfortable and relaxed.

I get down to Eastney to the small ramp onto the beech the race director is there as the lead runner Marshall waiting for the front runners to come back as we have a little off road bit to do. I give him the thumbs up let him know I good and have no problems (if only I could change what happened next) I run down the ramp and you pick up a little speed as I reach the bottom and turn left on to the stones (I'm not sure how many steps I took) my ankle twist's and the pain shoots through my foot. BANG that's it I know in my head that it's all over Portsmouth Duathlon Series Race 2.

I don't take quitting as an easy option, injured or not. I make several attempts vain attempts to carry on, you can see at the end of the run in the timing charts the peaks and troughs at the end, that was me giving myself every chance to carry on to try and see if by some miracle I could carry on. Clearly that was not to be I stop trying I hobble back onto the main road where I get picked up and taking back to the start finish area and report to the finisher that I have to pull out and hand over my race tag. A hard thing to do but very important so that the race director knows that everyone is accounted for. Official Race Results

It would be good to mention Nicola Seal the other runner who DNF. Who had a accident and needed transferring to QA Hospital to be checked over. I was able to do my little bit and offer some support whilst waiting for medical aid to arrive. I hope its not to bad and your able to run the next race in 4 weeks time.

It was one of those moments that anything can happen at anytime to anyone, this race had two separate incidents and two DNF's I sure that speaking with Nicola she is just as disappointed as I am that we now cannot complete all 3 races of the series.

That does not mean I was not any less disappointed frustrated and annoyed and feeling sorry with myself. Twisting your ankle (we have all done it even just walking along the road) can just happen, as much as I spent most of yesterday feeling like a failure like a clumsy useless idiot I needed to go through that thought process without blogging the raw emotion and saying things I would regret today. Yes I really do feel the disappointment of yesterday and I will feel it for awhile I have trained like never before to get ready for this event Training Sessions Duathlons are very hard but are now second nature due to the past 6 weeks.

I know that goals are not set in stone and they can be adjusted, setting a goal like completing a 3 race series is pretty much as it says on the tin so not achieving that goal is frustrating finishing 2 out of 3 is not good enough as well done but!!!! This hurts me so much I know it shouldn't but it does, 24 hours of wallowing in despair feeling sorry for myself is enough I need to be positive move on from this and let it go.

I feel it important to write the negative side of how I feel because whilst I try to be a role model and inspire others I am not perfect I am only human it is work in progress and the most important part of that is that it takes as long as it takes. Patience is the key word.

So the positives of the day are that my foot did not give in or break down it was the twisting of the ankle that caused the problem so that means after a few days recovery I should be able to run again the plus side is the next Duathlon is a 3 mile run 14 mile cycle and 3 mile run so I can do plenty of cycling to protect my foot a lot longer. I started the race and feel justified with that decision, it was a racing incident that stopped me.I am not a failure I gave myself every chance to try and finish and I took the correct action by pulling out of the race so my longer term goals can be achieved, that first mile was fast yet still it only got me last place, never before have I been so proud to be in last place.

That is the biggest thing I can pass on is to take the plunge enter a race do whatever is your thing if your last or slow it does not matter taking part is the best thing ever. I will never give up I will always push myself and if being at the back of the field is my place its so much better than being at home on the sofa. Having spent nearly two weeks resting my foot, the sofa is not the place I want to be it has been no fun at all and was a sad reminder of what my life used to be like.

I have quite a few races I wish to run this year I have them all planned out some include days out at a Zoo with a run (No photos of me as Hazel visit's the animals!) I was going to enter them all. This weekend has taught me that until I am fully fit and injury free I need to hold back on entering them until nearer the time as I put myself under pressure to run these events having paid an entrance fee. I am happier not to run in training and rest but come a race day its like I must run it because I have entered it. I will hold back.

I hope this blog makes sense and is written in the right way. Disappointments and setbacks happen all the time in all aspects of our life, I realize that my biggest fear is giving up and reverting back to type of feeling sorry for myself, comfort eating giving up on myself and having no pride in myself.

How STUPID am I this will never happen I will not allow it to happen yet its my biggest fear and something I struggle with all the time. I will reach my goals and I will continue to enjoy the good times and try and make the setbacks not so traumatic. I need to say this.....I did not fail, I did not let myself down, I did not let anyone else down and I did not embarrass myself in any way.