I need to write this down for me a few things have happened in the last few days that need to be addressed, they are to do with how I make a wrong decision and then the wheels seem to fall off and then my head explodes and I go back to the old Darin. I have just been scared beyond belief yesterday by myself so much so that I could not even blog yesterday I had to wait until today to do so, Ok so what has happened to rock my world upside down in a few days?
I will try and do this in order of how thinks have happened so the timeline of events can be seen on there own they are minor but unconsciously added up together?
In doing my training for the marathon I have increased my carbs this I really need to do, some carbs are better others BUT! I have had a flirtation with bread for two weeks (can you hear the alarm ringing) I can but I did nothing about it I lost all control over the bread and it controlled me, this can only end one way and that's badly.I have put on close to half a stone (I have failed everyone by not doing something before now)all because I'm having more carbs. My jeans are tighter I have felt the extra weight in running both yesterday and today, why have I allowed myself to allow this to happen?
I spent the day working on Sunday on my own it was freezing cold and it went right through me and I never got warm all day, I was planning to run 6 miles after I had finished work but when I got home I was cold and tired and the thought of getting changed and going back out into the cold was not appealing, I made another bad call by not going out running, so now we have the bread issue very bloated overweight and now not going out on a training run (I live in Portsmouth not else where in the country where people are out running in worse conditions than down here.) My thinking was don't panic you can run Monday after work and I have two rest days on Tuesday and Wednesday to run before resting foe Brighton on Sunday.
So I finish work Monday get changed get the new belt on loaded with drinks and gels and off we go. Disaster the belt is not fit for purpose my head is now going in to melt down oh my god I've spent £30 on a belt and it won't stay on it has completely ruined my run (God the old Darin is loving this misery and trying to gain control of the new me that's how it seems to me) I've wasted all that money I am not worthy of this why don't you just give up and let me take control again think of the the food you can eat again. I get home in a fowl mood good bless Hazel for putting up with that if only for a short while even I hate myself like this and am embarrassed of myself. We sort out the receipt for the belt I take it back to the shop and they are really helpful and sort me out with a little rucksack. So all those bad thought for what?
I go out today for a run with the rucksack and it works a dream I can carry drinks gel keys etc for my longer runs without now worrying about how I am going to achieve this, today's run is slow and hard I feel so unfit and overweight but I got round and did the 4 miles today tomorrow I will go out and push myself that little bit more, I will not panic about Sunday because I will be running with someone very special and I refuse to let her down because my head has taken a small opportunity and gone off on one. Today was a day when having a running partner would have been beneficial to keep me going when I struggled.
I will keep on with the carbs but I need to be very watchful and again I have to admit defeat with the bread and stay away from it sorry Hazel back to hiding it. I have gone from a fit athlete to an overweight waste of space old Darin that I truly hate in 2 weeks, the good news is that Thinking Slimmer has given me the tools to see the danger signals even if on this occasion it took a little longer to realize the danger signals. I am worried about the old Darin coming out because I thought I was past this stage clearly I need to be on my guard and process the danger signals quicker.
I hope this makes sense and I have not repeated myself to much I now have to put in the hard miles all over again to regain what I have just lost that is incentive enough to stay on track its hard enough doing the training the first time but having to do it a second time when you don't have to is bloody crazy and no fun what so ever. My two runs can be seen on the links below.
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/149528203
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/149528191
This is my journey to lose weight the natural way after all the negative publicity.Thank god there are good people out there to help people like me.
Firstly you are most certainly not the 'old Darin' and you are most certainly not 'an overweight waste of space'
ReplyDeleteBread is hard. Its an easy food in these cold winter months and like you it bloats me, but I still grab it as its filling, satisfying and easy. YOu have noticed quickly what you are doing Darin and are correcting it :)
The belt 'is not fit for the purpose' so lets set about telling whoever you bought it off and getting you your pennies back. It has to be fit for the purpose and it isn't so a refund and an apology is in order.
Knock the carbs and that bloat/1/2 stone will soon be gone Darin.
Come on lovely, you can do this! You are my inspiration :)
lots of love
Jackie
x
Argh I just left a huge comment and it lost it...
ReplyDeleteFirstly would the old Darin have written this post? I suspect not. Let's face it, so few lapses in over a year of being on Thinking Slimmer is truly amazing. Here is what I read
1. I am an amazing person who regularly runs great distances in great times. Sometimes I have bad runs and sometimes I have great runs.
2. I am human and like most people I have bad days around food.
3. I had a problem with running equipment but kept on going. When I got home I sorted it and found a solution that works.
4. I am so in control of who I am and what I do that I can recognise signals for when things aren't right, and unlike a year ago, I now take action and move on in a matter of days.
5. Sometimes it's just too bloody cold and you should just stay indoors!
Hey Darin,
ReplyDeleteYou know, progress is always uneven, and I believe that it's what you learn from the troughs that helps you to reach the next peak. So instead of throwing petrol on the fire by beating yourself up, just accept that sometimes you're not the best you can be, just the best you can manage, forgive yourself and get back on the horse.
If it's any consolation I got the all clear to start running again on Friday and I have yet to summon the will to step outside the door. No point beating myself up, I'll just do my best to do better tomorrow. Or the day after. The main thing is I know it's just a moment of demotivation, it's not me becoming 'a lazy person'.
The fact that you're listening to the old Darin means you're not him, it's just an old pattern of thought that's being fed by the bread. Starve it and it'll go quiet. And the thing is, if you have weight to lose why eat more just because you're running? Use the weight as fuel. If 10k burns 700 calories why eat more when that's extra fat you can get rid of?
Chin up mate, you're just having a moment that proves nothing except you're human.
Trevor