I feel the need to write this blog in the hope that I can move on, I am now officially worried that I still feel this way, the feeling of negativity scare's the life out of me, I am concerned that I am starting to make the wrong choices I am now thinking I am being lazy which is wrong, there is no right or wrong way to train its about what's right for me not how often I do train and the most important thing is that I enjoy the training/running.
It is now 5 weeks since the London Marathon and the one thing I don't need to do is run 4 days a week putting in 30-40 miles a week, when I was doing this I struggled with finding the time and doing the mileage and enjoying doing it, I was wishing the marathon date to arrive quickly. Now 5 weeks later I feel like I'm cheating myself because I'm not training as hard or as long. Is it possible/right to find the training hard and tough and question yourself why, then when its over miss that amount of training and intensity to the point that you struggle to find the get up and go.
I sit here today (23/05/12) on a late shift for work its a lovely day and it would be a no brainier to go out for a run, yet I made the decision not to. I made the decision to stop writing this blog because for the next 2 days I went out and ran http://runkeeper.com/user/DarinMcCloud/activity/90571514 and I felt stupid about writing this blog when I just went out and ran for 2 days! The going out and doing the training is fine yes its hard but I am posting better times so working harder to improve my running fitness etc, I have also just started boot camp who knows the old saying "I am never doing" "boot camp training they are crazy people" (insert your own bit) well I have made the plunge and started I have different muscle groups now aching which is good as it shows improvement.
This week I had boot camp on Monday night then 2 days off work and another boot camp on Saturday (shift work getting in the way again), training 3 days in a row is too much for me I learnt that lesson from the marathon training, so why did I feel so guilty again over the weekend and yesterday for not training. Is it because I'm not training 4 days a week? Is it because I'm not running 30-40 miles in a week? Is it because I'm so scared that if I'm not training I am failing myself or worse still you guys that follow me? Is this the first step to not being bothered and saying I did my bit I surpassed what even I thought I could achieve that's it I'm done? Do I not say that rest days are just as important as training days?
This is clearly affecting me in a slightly negative way(negativity is bad, again really scared about depression). I know that what I am doing is right running, boot camp, rest. I also love that I am helping Tracey Cox achieve her goal of the race for life 5k by doing better than just walking it. The positive vibes you give me Tracey help me to push on in my training session's where before I might walk a bit, now I push on that little bit more, Its no good me saying one thing and doing another I'm a firm believer in leading from the front always remember Tracey I am getting just as much out of this as you are putting into it.
I feel this blog maybe a little disjointed but having started it a week ago I felt it important not to change what I had already wrote last week. Is this all just post Marathon Blues, it was an amazing day, an amazing year that's for sure or is it something else that I am battling against? What I do know is that I need to trust my instincts, my training is very public and on show for everyone to see deliberately so and with no regrets and I need to learn to switch off on a training rest day and enjoy myself without spending the day thinking I SHOULD BE RUNNING, I am letting no one down least of all myself.
Just to add other variable in to the mix the decent weather has now arrived, having trained all through the winter maybe I think I should be out everyday in the good weather just because!!! whatever the reason or the answer's I felt it important to write this blog for my own sanity but also for others who read this to understand that we are on a new life journey we continue to learn and evolve but we are in a far better place to question our thoughts and feelings without fear of going back to our default actions (whatever they me be to you)