Sunday, 18 March 2012

Success or Failure A Fine Line

Today I entered the Worthing 20 mile road race it had a time limit of 4 hours but a little leeway is given. As you may or may not be aware I have been struggling with my training recently, and I failed to complete the race only running 10 miles. (only like a throw away remark how far have I come?) I need to point out the good training that I have done to get a better picture of were I'm at, On the 26th Feb I ran a hilly 15 miles with Lorraine Albon my Doctor thank god she was with me as my Garmin didn't work on that run, To add that run is my biggest most amazing achievement to date.  The following Friday 2nd March I ran  16 miles on a new route for which I was proud of doing  And on 11th March a 12 mile run  I have also done a couple of 13 mile runs before these runs as well You can also see my other runs on this link as well, by any stretch of the imagination this is pretty amazing stuff and I am proud beyond belief that I have been able to push myself to achieve what I have.  

I am at the moment going through a really tough time mentally, calling it depression would be too general as I think I know why I am just not how to deal with it correctly, Becca and Dawn are aware of this and we have been talking to each other their support is amazing,I still have a feeling of letting them down but I know that after talking to them that I am not (that will be the only negative piece in this blog everything else is how I feel what I can see and hopefully find the answers to make me a better person who likes himself again) Lets go back to basic's everyone is an individual no two people are the same so trying to achieve exactly the same as some one will just be impossible to do, this I have to digest and accept and I am coming round to that a little quicker now. The other thing is our bodies have the best way to tell us what we are doing to it, recognizing this and doing the right thing is the hard part and where I have problems at the moment I am worried that I am making the wrong or not the best choices because I am either getting myself so stressed or putting myself under pressure or most likely both.

As always when I write my blog's honesty is important to me even if it makes life not so easy sometimes. Running The London Marathon and having to raise money is causing the stress and I clearly am not handling it very well at the moment I am also struggling with the training plan I am not enjoying the training whether this is because my body is saying this is hard you need to change what you are doing or whether its my head telling me you are weak you cannot do this just give up (which I am fighting with all my might) and where today it won (or did it) this is where I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with problems, its also a throw back to the bad old days when I was always depressed and struggled to deal with things, if I knew what the trigger was that made this happen life would be better also this is the first major meltdown I have had since I started

At the moment I feel that all the great training that I have done is being undone by my head I feel unfit and unable to run with a level of freedom that I did before the training got more intense the answer to this I really don't know nor do I know if what I am about to do is right, wrong or in between. I am going to do no training at all this week. I will try not to think about training for the marathon and raising money. I will try to have a stress free week and hope to be ready to continue again next week. I will not feel guilty about this what so ever and I know that I will still be able to complete the London Marathon and enjoy what will be a truly amazing day and the most amazing experience of my life with 2 great and amazing people as well.  



  1. I'm glad you blog Darin. Its important sometimes for us to see our thoughts written down because it helps them take shape and make sense. So I'm glad you've stuck to it no matter what

    In my opinion, stopping at 10 miles was a superly brave thing to do and a sign of how far you've come in your training and mental strength. Everyone has bad times and negative thoughts. Its what we do with them that defines us. Trevor often says to me not to own these thoughts - to ride them and move on. I've never managed that but I think you're teaching me how to do that a little through this blog!

    This week I decided to do the training my own way. As you know, I did a run just for the fun of it on Monday. I do my intervals my way rather than the 3 eight minute sprints I'm supposed to do (seriously?? Can you imagine the unpleasant sight of me collapsed on the ground in a pool of sick after just one!).  I should do an xbox session today but I have chosen not to. At this stage our training has us very well prepared. We know that worst case scenario we run half and walk half. So we will make it. Now we just need to condition ourselves to run as much as we can.

    There's a lot going on for us all. Marathon training is hugely intrusive in our lives. Only 5 weeks ish to go and the plan will taper soon. So listen to your body, do the best you can and find that excitement again about the running because at the end of the day, we both know you now love to run ;)

    I am very proud of you today (but don't read that as me having any expectations of you - I'm way too self absorbed!)

  2. Firstly I just want to echo what Dawn said -I think it's a great thing that you write this all down, I'm sure it's a step to help you figure out what's going on and deal with it.

    This marathon training is really tough going. Tougher than I thought it would be. We all have lives to live as well and fitting everything in over the last few weeks has been incredibly challenging. You know that I have not been able to stick to the plan during the week at all. I've felt quite guilty about this but realised that I have other responsibilities and I've done as much as I could do.

    You're doing the right thing by listening to your body and taking a week off. You clearly need it and I really hope it gives you the time and space to figure things out. You have come such a long way and you really should be proud of that.

    April 22nd is going to be an amazing day. I know that we will all complete it one way or another. As Dawn says we just need to train our bodies to be able to run as much as we can. We're not trying for any particular time so lets make it a comfortable and enjoyable 26.2 miles - it's going to be an amazing achievement whatever time we do it in.

    I'm proud of you as well today. You've taken some difficult decisions and realised what you need to do to help yourself. Not easy to do.

    Enjoy your rest and I hope you rediscover your love of running sometime soon.

  3. As always when I blog I forget things that I want to put into in the fact it took nearly 3 hours to write gives me a lot of time to forget things and lose my thread. This blog is a success for me 100% do I regret pulling out of the race half way through absolutely not it was the right thing to do if not the easiest, to go away and regroup for the Marathon

    I have just had the best 9 hours sleep in months this morning I feel refreshed relaxed and looking forward to a week of no training clearly a weight has been lifted off my shoulders I might just get the most out of this week it feels great to feel so positive the steaming headache from yesterday is gone.

  4. Darin, your honesty is refreshing. I don't believe you are a failure, you are just going through a bad patch and a resultant crisis of confidence.
    Sometimes it is best to write things down to get the negative thoughts out of your head, this can help as a tool to identify where the issues lay - and reading your update it appears that doing just that has helped.
    As they say "A problem shared is a problem halved" etc.
    I have been going through a very rough patch at the moment with my own issues, namely all the stuff around the building of Ben's extension, BUT today we have been told that if everything goes to plan the work should be complete on Wednesday.
    So that means I can get my life back at long last and be able to do what I want each day instead of being "grounded" by the builders.

    You can do it and I will be cheering for you.

    Michelle x