Today I entered the Worthing 20 mile road race it had a time limit of 4 hours but a little leeway is given. As you may or may not be aware I have been struggling with my training recently, and I failed to complete the race only running 10 miles. (only like a throw away remark how far have I come?) http://connect.garmin.com/activity/159158088 I need to point out the good training that I have done to get a better picture of were I'm at, On the 26th Feb I ran a hilly 15 miles with Lorraine Albon my Doctor thank god she was with me as my Garmin didn't work on that run, To add that run is my biggest most amazing achievement to date. http://connect.garmin.com/activity/152893692 The following Friday 2nd March I ran 16 miles on a new route for which I was proud of doing http://connect.garmin.com/activity/154142997 And on 11th March a 12 mile run http://connect.garmin.com/activity/156776251 I have also done a couple of 13 mile runs before these runs as well http://connect.garmin.com/activities You can also see my other runs on this link as well, by any stretch of the imagination this is pretty amazing stuff and I am proud beyond belief that I have been able to push myself to achieve what I have.
I am at the moment going through a really tough time mentally, calling it depression would be too general as I think I know why I am just not how to deal with it correctly, Becca and Dawn are aware of this and we have been talking to each other their support is amazing,I still have a feeling of letting them down but I know that after talking to them that I am not (that will be the only negative piece in this blog everything else is how I feel what I can see and hopefully find the answers to make me a better person who likes himself again) Lets go back to basic's everyone is an individual no two people are the same so trying to achieve exactly the same as some one will just be impossible to do, this I have to digest and accept and I am coming round to that a little quicker now. The other thing is our bodies have the best way to tell us what we are doing to it, recognizing this and doing the right thing is the hard part and where I have problems at the moment I am worried that I am making the wrong or not the best choices because I am either getting myself so stressed or putting myself under pressure or most likely both.
As always when I write my blog's honesty is important to me even if it makes life not so easy sometimes. Running The London Marathon and having to raise money is causing the stress and I clearly am not handling it very well at the moment I am also struggling with the training plan I am not enjoying the training whether this is because my body is saying this is hard you need to change what you are doing or whether its my head telling me you are weak you cannot do this just give up (which I am fighting with all my might) and where today it won (or did it) this is where I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with problems, its also a throw back to the bad old days when I was always depressed and struggled to deal with things, if I knew what the trigger was that made this happen life would be better also this is the first major meltdown I have had since I started http://www.thinkingslimmer.com/
At the moment I feel that all the great training that I have done is being undone by my head I feel unfit and unable to run with a level of freedom that I did before the training got more intense the answer to this I really don't know nor do I know if what I am about to do is right, wrong or in between. I am going to do no training at all this week. I will try not to think about training for the marathon and raising money. I will try to have a stress free week and hope to be ready to continue again next week. I will not feel guilty about this what so ever and I know that I will still be able to complete the London Marathon and enjoy what will be a truly amazing day and the most amazing experience of my life with 2 great and amazing people as well.