I want this post to be positive but as I write down about the last couple of days it may not be, but they will be my true thoughts and feelings.
This is my life journey as I have always said, so therefore I should have the final decision on what I do what I eat how I do it and how I eat it. If someone wishes to help then they have to do it for the right reasons and mean it when they say they want to help this is after all for LIFE it is my LIFE journey its not a diet its not a fad I will not go back to the old ways of eating too much rubbish crap food or takeaways, I do not want to eat crap food (my choice) just because other people want an easy option.
I am making a choice right now that I have made before but after a while my need to allow others to look after me as this is what they wanted to do allowed me to let this happen. I will now for the rest of my LIFE cook my own food as I did before I will never get bored of doing it of cooking different things I will never say I can not be bothered because I will have food frozen for such occasions. I mention last week that I had no meals left in the freezer my oh said she would make some soup no ingredients have been brought no soap has been made I feel a little let down by this. I have food sorted for my late shift's this week we have plenty of good food in the house its just using it in a healthy fuel for the body way.
As you can see I am forcing no one to eat what I eat and my OH can eat what she wants except (here is where I become slightly selfish) and the reason for failing so miserably on Wednesday night. First up its my massage night. Rather than cook she went up the road and got a Chinese take away and then came home and ate in front of me it smelt horrible it looked horrible and I swear my pours were breathing it all in. So I go out for my massage on my way home I think I will buy some rolls that will do the job I go into the shop and they are selling bread very thin sliced for 29p my old head is kicking into overdrive now what a bargain well cheaper than the rolls so I buy the bread get it home eat twice as much because its thin (I have truly lost all control and the plot big style) and then the hatred sets in I'm in the middle of training for a marathon and I do this to myself why? See my run details for Thursday http://connect.garmin.com/activity/155903686 On the plus side after my run I got the bread out poured washing up liquid over the bread and put it in the bin never ever done anything like that before.
I work a three week shift pattern of which some are late shifts again being selfish these would be good times to eat takeaways or bad foods that I try to avoid because I think if I go back to them in any form I will fall back into my old ways again I do not wish this to happen so avoiding them is the best way forward for me. I have made great strides with other things sweets can be in the house and I don't want them cakes is another I can leave but clearly a life time of comfort eating will take many years to heal all my bad comfort foods and these are what I need help and understanding with, not getting that help is causing me great concern if you love someone and say to them I will support you 100% is it to much to think that's what you get or after a while they get bored with what you are trying to do they get fed up hiding food because it helps me.
The one think I hate more than anything since I started the slimpod is negativity, to change my life around I need to be positive, I will have bad days but I need positive energy coming back being told do you thing you its not to early to run a marathon hurts and knocks the stuffing out of you, when you should get back well done make sure you train properly and you will finish to be questioned on how much it costs to enter a race and be told not to spend too much money. I spent £30 a bloody week on comfort eating and never once was I questioned on spending money then.
I'm sorry for spouting but I need to let this out or I will end up failing and I will not allow that to happen at any cost, So from now selfish or not I will be in 100% control of my life I will make decisions about what I eat I will eat food I enjoy eating when I want to eat it, I will make decisions about my health and exercise I will run when I want to run because its good for me if there's a race I will enter it no matter what the cost because the feeling I get from completing a race is priceless to me. This is me taking stock and control of my life only I can truly know what's best for me. I will make one more pledge I will go through my pods and I will start again as if I had never used them before, I am guilty of letting things slip I need to go back to basic's and start enjoying my journey.
I know I'm not perfect far far from it, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but I am a different person to live with than before If I get this part of my life right then I can be the better person that I strive to want to be, I do not like hating myself and I have found out how to love myself for the first time ever but I fear I'm losing that feeling, I need to fight to get it back because if I can not love myself how can I love anyone else?