This Is Me......

Who was I and who am I now?

Why is this post in my Thinking Slimmer blog and not a stand alone blog? I have thought long and hard about what was best to do and hopefully as I continue to write this blog it will become clear at the end.

For as long as I can remember I was always the fat kid the kid to be picked on the kid to have fun with at the expense of other kids, I was I suppose other peoples entertainment. As a child if I was the fat kid being picked on then other kids were grateful it was me and not them. I am sure that there must have been rest bites when other kids were picked on and I was left alone for a while feeling safe that I had some breathing space whilst someone else had the misfortune of the lives at that point being made unbearable. We were only kids but it has blighted my life even now. I am suffering from who I was which is why I am writing this post in the hope of raising awareness and being able to move on. 

Although to be honest there are many adults who should know better but don't they know what they are doing praying on weak people because they can and it makes them feel powerful and important.

So I fell into a situation whereby I become the jolly fat kid always trying to be funny always trying to get people onside so that I would be part of the crowd feel included, wanted like whatever metaphor you would like to use. The other point that has just come to me as I am writing this is that I was always the last fat kid to be put in the team I was never picked always the last one left you could hear the groans as they worked out I would be in there team before everyone had been picked. 

Clearly this happened all through my school life and it also happened during my work life as well (not everywhere I worked.) So am I the victim or does my natural protective behaviour encourage people to bully or verbally and/or mentally abuse me? Well I think a bit of both is the truth, when you get stuck in a cycle then you tend to stay there and so it goes around and around never stopping just waiting for the next group of people.

All the time I am perceived as the fat jolly bloke always trying to get people to like me to be part of the cool gang not be part the losers gang always trying to be funny failing a lot of the time because I'm not being funny sometimes being funny and loving the buzz of being funny at last (like comfort eating) that feeling never lasted very long ever. I could write more I would like to say a lot more but as this is current and still very real I have to very careful about what I say so, best to say nothing.

Some of you know what has been happening, some of you don't know, some of you know more than others no one knows everything because I find it difficult to talk, I don't want to break down in front of friends and family, to those close to me who I know want to listen I know you are there it means a lot to know you are there and you are amazing people for being there for me and allowing me to try and get this mess sorted for hopefully the last time in my life.

For those people who have been making my life a misery I will not take it anymore I don't need it I don't want it and most importantly I will do something about it I am no longer the victim who allows this Bullying to carry on anymore. A few people have made it perfectly clear about how they see me and what they think of me. I am telling you right now you have made your feelings very clear I have suffered enough I don't need you to like me I don't need you to have any part in my life than is necessary, don't try and be nice to me because people like you are not worth bothering about I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL I just don't need you period.

Who am I now?

I am Darin McCloud a person who for the past 2 years and 8 months has decided to make changes to my life that will benefit me. I have lost 5 stone and kept it off for over two years I have learnt to love myself for the first time ever this is still work in progress as the first half of this blog will testify but I am getting there I am taking control of my life I am not allowing life to control me anymore. I have become an athlete, I am a marathon runner (I so love that title)  I run 5k 10K half marathons and duathlons (run bike run) I cycle for fun thinking nothing of going out for 30 or 40+ miles just because I can.

I am an inspiration to many people (for a long time I was uncomfortable with this title but not anymore) Not once has any of these people ever had anything but respect for me as a human being they have shown me how I deserve and should be treated and I love that way of being treated. They have opened my eyes to the way I allowed other people to treat me that was not conducive to my long term mental wellbeing. The more I changed into the person I am today, the more it seems to me these people tried to make my life worse as they were losing the power and control over me they once had.

I have respect for myself, I love myself, I care about myself, and more importantly I know that I have to put myself first rather than other people because without doing that first I cannot move on. If that sounds tough then hard luck, the previous 45 years of my life has not been a bed of roses, the rest of my life I have left will be better. This is the new me take it or leave it, but treat me with respect I am not the fat kid desperate to fit in I know I fit in, I help make a difference to so many people from all walks of life who like me have struggled for whatever reasons to change their lives for the better so they give the lives they deserve.

Its not easy its a long journey but taken with like minded new friends its a journey done with love and support the way humans should look after each other. I will make mistakes along the way because I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect but they will be honest mistakes as I learn how to be the new me so that each day I am better than I was the day before.